Web helps those looking to find a friend ‘Platonic’ sites fill companionship void
Married ... with friends
By Jessica Yadegaran
CONTRA COSTA TIMES
Article Launched:07/14/2007 03:08:10 AM PDT
PJ RHAE and Don Jackson have been married for a decade. In that time, the
Antioch couple known for their blow-out wine parties have made more friends than they can count.
"Most of our stories begin the same way,"
Jackson says. "It all started when we were drinking wine."
Just a few weeks ago, in
Napa , a woman at Ceja Vineyards complimented Rhae's blouse, and before you could say Sangiovese, the couples were having dinner. In fact, Jackson and Rhae have met six different couples this way.
"With our personalities, it's not difficult to meet people,"
Jackson says. "We're a good team."
So you've found your soul mate. Congratulations. But the need for friendships and connection never fades, no matter how strong your marriage or relationship. While you keep the girls from work and the guys from his softball league in your social circle, establishing new friendships together with like-minded couples can be a challenge.
"If you meet a couple and you both like them, it's almost a miracle," says Karen Hobbs, an
Orinda psychologist.
Not only are you assessing people based on both of your opinions, but the reason you came together in the first place can say a lot about how you identify friends, Hobbs says.
"If you (and your spouse) came together because you're exactly the same, then you'll have an easy time finding friends," she explains. "If you came together because you're totally different and you balance each other, it can be a bit more difficult (to make friends)."
Add to that attraction and the opposite sex, and it can get awkward.
"Opposite sex friendships often bring out issues of jealousy,"
Hobbs says. "It helps if the person (new friend) is married, though that doesn't stop a lot of people."
Hobbs says that women tend to instigate friendships, often at their children's school or related activities.
Kassie Wenzell, of
Walnut Creek , confirms that the majority of friendships she and her husband, Mike, have forged over the years revolve around their three children, ages 16, 18 and 20.
"The parents of our middle daughter turned out to be our core friends," Kassie Wenzell says. "Amy's friends were always here, so their parents were always here, too."
The Wenzells are known for their lively New Year's Eve parties, a tradition that started when they married and were living in
New Jersey 25 years ago. When they first moved to
California and didn't know anyone, Kassie Wenzell says she hopped on her bicycle and rode around the neighborhood, making acquaintances.
"You have to go and seek it, talk to people, take risks and move into the circle that you want to be in," she says.
Janice Thompson, of
Danville , took initiative as well. When Thompson and her husband, Kerry, relocated from
Los Angeles , they knew few people in the Bay Area. This is also the second marriage for both of them.
"Once you change spouses, you lose contact with some of those friendships and relationships," Kerry Thompson says. "We're in a new area, new beginnings. So we're looking to meet new people, and my wife said there's got to be a way to meet people without going to 15 different churches in the next two years."
The Thompsons found their way on Couplesworldwide.com, a MySpace for marrieds. Fill out an application, post your profile plus audio or video on the members-only site, and meet local couples who share your interests. In the Thompsons' case, that's dancing, theater and travel. Membership is free, and swingers are not welcome.
So far, the Thompsons have connected with couples from San Ramon,
Pleasant Hill and
Berkeley . They've met up with at least one for dinner.
"We've had conflicts, where I like the guy and she doesn't like the woman," Kerry Thompson says. "It is difficult to find someone who's perfect for you, but you have to put yourself out there."
Sound like dating? Kerry Thompson recognizes that, and laughs about it.
"Yeah, it's funny," he admits. "You have someone to share your life with, but now you're looking to enrich your life. We're social beings. We like meeting people and being a part of a group."
CEO Sheila Zamel launched the Calabasas-based Couplesworldwide last November when she remarried and moved from to
California . The days of making friends through Mommy and Me or her daughter's soccer games were over.
"When you're married and both working, it's tough," Zamel says. "You get home at six or seven, tired. It's hard to make friends. Where does one go?"
In addition to e-mails and pre-written "ice-breakers" for those shy types, the 3,000 international members on Couplesworldwide can use the site to locate off-line events, share a recipe or use their expertise to host a chat.
"Double your fun immediately," writes one
San Rafael couple. "Our single friends don't hang out with us and our married friends are boring," laments a pair from
Los Angeles .
Zamel has spoken with thousands of couples and believes there is a pressing need for couples to connect.
"I've seen a lot of couples who are lonely," she says. "We get into a rut and go out with the same couple who like the same restaurant and the same type of movie."
Even the uber-social Rhae and Jackson, of
Antioch , run into challenges. She's from
Oklahoma , he's from
Maryland , and they feel it's harder to make friends in
California .
"It's big and spread out,"
Jackson says. "People can be phony and status quo. They tend to fake and front."
Rhae says they've had to "break up" with such couples, or with those who flirt or aren't as genuine or accommodating as she and Jackson can be.
They've even written about some of these failed friendships in "Poems in the Key of Life," a book about relationships that the couple co-authored and self-published.
In the end, the couple's strategy for making friends is akin to a game of basketball, they say. It's all about team work and spotting inappropriate behavior -- the latter being something
Jackson never seems to catch, he admits. Especially if another woman is flirting with him.
"If I'm on the court, I have tunnel vision,"
Jackson explains. "I'm cutting left and I'm oblivious to what's going on. Meanwhile, PJ's up in the bleachers, noticing things I don't."
Jessica Yadegaran is a lifestyle writer for the Times. Reach her at jyadegaran@cctimes.com or 925-943-8155.
How to find and make new friends
Are you part of a couple and trying to make new friends? Try these tips:
Instigate. When you meet new people, don't be afraid to put yourselves out there. Invite them to dinner. The more you instigate, the higher your chances of making friends.
Identify a common interest you and your partner share, then find a social outlet. Start a wine group, join a book club, take sailing lessons.
If you're new to an area, research the neighborhood before you rent or buy. Are the people friendly? Does their age and demographic fit yours? Do they have frequent gatherings?
Don't underestimate the old-fashioned way to meet quality people: your local church, temple or mosque, through a volunteer capacity, or through your kids.
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